Emily writes a serious post? No way.

My new years resolution was to be more positive, so here I go.

Confidence. It's a word that I've struggled with for awhile, but yet not a foreign concept. I felt confident on the drum major podium, leading a 1st place band. I felt confident standing on a stage at an irish dance competition. More specifically, I'm going to write about body image. It's something I've been wanting to write down for awhile, but never have. Maybe now is the opportunity. Let's see how this goes.

It may be very typical teenage girl of me, but for as long as I can remember, I've been absolutely nuts about my weight. Pretty much everyone knows that about me. What may be less typical is the fact that the first time I remember hating myself was when I was only 9. Coincidentally, that's also the age I started ballet. Again, how typical- the dancer who wants to be thin. I guess I'm just a walking stereotype. Haha. But outside of the dance studio, out of the leotards and tights, that mindset continued and became a way of life. In 6th grade I was the girl who refused to wear shorts to school, convinced that the other kids would laugh at her. In 7th grade I had come to the conclusion that no one would ever like me. In 8th grade my only wish was that I would have enough willpower to just stop eating altogether.

I may make it sound overly dramatic, but it sort of was. I hate that I felt that way, and I hate everything that made me that way. I was crazy. I was Amber Keeler level crazy. I may make fun of her theatrical tendencies, and I may mock her plees for attention, but I would never ever laugh at her problems with eating disorders. It's a mindset that overwhelms you, and no matter what the scale says, it all depends on how you see yourself in the mirror.

I would never consider myself as anorexic. I was never diagnosed and I've probably never gone more than 24 hours without eating, but it wasn't for a lack of trying. I cut out eating lunch in 9th grade, opting to tell people that I always just ate a big breakfast, but that was a lie too. I never ate breakfast. I counted calories like mad, and I wrote down everything I ate in a journal. Never anorexic, but always on the verge (Bulimia would never work either because for one, it's gross, and also my gag reflex is almost nonexistent).

That was probably the worst year of it. I don't have any distinct memories surrounding 10th and 11th grade. Mostly I just sucked up my low self esteem and went on with my life, considering myself more quirky about it than anything else. I ran 2 miles on the treadmill in the morning, and 2 miles in the evening, finding a different angle to approach weight lose. I thought it was more healthy. I didn't really think of myself as abnormal until I realized that I couldn't tell people my habits. Yeah, I weigh myself 3 times a day. Isn't that normal? No, not quite. Obsession is never healthy.

During my senior year I made a New Years resolution NOT to make a resolution about losing weight. I wanted to stop hating myself. And somehow or another, that's when the number on the scale began to lessen. Maybe part of it was that I now had a boy to tell me I was beautiful whenever I was feeling down. That probably helped more than I'd like to admit. Goodness, I'm vain. Haha.

And now, I'm more okay than ever. Time for the positivity! :D

I lost about 15 pounds and feel comfortable to tell people my weight for the first time. UVA band camp made me accustomed to wearing tank tops and shorts, and I let go of my petrifying fear of the freshmen 15. I work out twice a week, and stop long before I reach the points of nausea. I can look at myself and smile.

When my RA asked my entire suite to be a part of a body image panel, I was ecstatic. Two days for two hours I would sit in a circle with girls I felt comfortable with and we'd discuss why women are forced to feel the way they do. We had the cliched assignment to look in a mirror and write down physical things we like about ourselves, which was quite refreshing.

So now, Sarah Clements, I want you to write 5 things you like about yourself and post it in a blog. :) I'll go first!

1. I have fantastic skin. I don't appreciate it as much as I should because I've never had a problem with it. In my life I've probably only had 2 or 3 pimples. Acne? What a foreign concept. Sure, I'll never be able to tan, but that's alright with me. Skin cancer sucks anyways

2. My hair. I've always complained about it, and I'm always trying to change it, and my roommate may tell me I don't have a soul because of it, but I'm really lucky. I am proud to be a redhead. :)

3. I am a curvaceous white girl. I have come to consider it a gift rather than a curse. Channeling Beyonce.

4. It may sound weird, but I adore my hands. They're perfectly feminine, in my opinion. They're sort of quintessential ballet hands.

5. I HAVE MAN CALVES AND I AM PROUD.

End serious post. Your regularly scheduled program will return tomorrow. :)