Letting go. Moving on.

Some things just seem impossible to let go of.

I think I'm correct in saying that my friendship with Katlin has finally met it's demise. Writing that's hard. It makes it feel more concrete.We've been through a lot in the past couple of years. I've been clinging to the last strand of our friendship with everything I had, but a girl can only go through so much heartbreak. That's the only way I can describe this. I'm heartbroken- 10 times harder then anything I had to go through with Christian, which is saying something. But we've been through so much shit these past years that I feel numb to it now. I probably lost my best friend a lot earlier then I'd like to realize.

It started with a boyfriend, it escalated to one-sided neglect. Along came another boyfriend, and the neglect became mutual. Things exploded when I backed out of vacation plans last summer. That was my fault. An awkward few months of small talk and anger. An uncomfortable lunch date over winter break. I thought things were perfect again when she came down to spend the weekend with me. We told girly secrets, ate too much food, and fell asleep in close proximity- just like old times. By summer I was positive we were on the mend. Definite plans to go to Florida. Harry Potter World was our thing. We'd been planning that trip since we first learned about the park so many years ago. Then she asks me if her other friend can come, too. A friend she knows I don't get along with. The friend she knows I see as competition, no matter how hard I try not too. I try giving honesty a shot, and say no, I'd rather her friend didn't go. She gets mad, and suddenly the trip is canceled and I'm left confused. Turns out she had already invited the friend. Her mom didn't want drama and nixed the road trip. I was pinned as the bad guy. I was set up. dammit, and I'm not okay with that. I've never been so angry. I'm done.

I've been holding on. I've been holding on so tightly, but if it's mutual then I'm letting go. It's silly to cling to someone because of our past relationship. We're not the same people. She's not the girl I met in 6th grade and consequently spent every waking moment with for 7 years. The only person that's in every memory from my teenage years. Katlin IS my adolescence, as cheesy as that sounds. I thought she was the only friend I'd ever need. I didn't get close with anyone else. I didn't need to. I feel lost now. Completely alone. She was my other half and, though it's been a long time in coming, that's finally been ripped from me.

I've acted like it doesn't bother me. Trying to be strong. Trying to remember that I have UVA and everyone there and think of Manassas only as the place I'm stuck in for now. But I still end up sobbing every night when I think about it all. Typing this is making me shake.

Not much else to say. I'm sad, tired of spending every day alone, and ready to get back to school. 54 days.