I thought I was over that- the debilitating guilt that accompanied my physical relationships. I don't know where it started, but I can guess. Christian would adore me, but only as long as I followed his moral code.

It took 2 years with Jacob for those walls to come down, for me to finally feel like I wasn't doing something wrong. He let me write out schedules and have weekly "boundary talks". He didn't tell me I was silly, and he never dreamed of rushing me. I guess I underestimated how important that was- that comfort, and that openness.

I thought I was cured, but apparently not. We didn't even do anything remotely scandalous and I can't stop the self loathing.

And at every step we take down this convoluted path, I'm calculating the chances of Jacob forgiving me.

I miss that comfort.