Nothing happened. Of course nothing happened. Nothing ever happens. We stand there screaming at each other, and I cry and cry and ask, "What happens now?", and we admit that everything is wrong and we're both so so unhappy, and then it starts pouring and I just want to stand there and figure this out, for once, but he looks miserable so I tell him to go inside. I walk home slowly, enjoying the feeling of the cold rain, wishing so hard for him to come running after me but knowing that he won't.

And then it's Cam running after me.

I'm confused, because I know Cam and I are just friends. We understand each other. We're both in relationships that we may never be able to let go of. He treats me well because he knows I feel underappreciated. But I'll never be able to feel good about it because I like it too much and it feels too much like cheating. Most of the time I can ignore it but sometimes the guilt overwhelms me and I just want to curl into a ball and hate myself. I value trust above all else in a relationship and I'm turning into the thing I hate. I'm indulging in my worst habit- making boys like me and using their compliments to validate my own shitty self esteem. I hate it, but I won't stop. I told him that. I told him one of my biggest secrets and he just said that he doesn't care, because he likes making people feel good above. Maybe we're a good team. The girl who feeds on compliments and the boy who feeds on giving them.

But I can't let Jacob go. Breaking up would hurt him more than I know, and I can't hurt him like that. Not when I love him like I do. He knows that. He knows that I'm holding on because I can't let go, and he knows that it's killing me. I lay awake at night wishing that he would just do it, that he would let me go, because it would be the sweetest thing he could do for me, and I would know that it means he loves me.

It won't happen, so back into this cycle of hurt.