I'm having a hard time. I made Jacob's bad situation worse. I don't feel any sadness for myself, just for what he has to go through. Everything just happened wrong, and in addition I'll probably never be able to feel good about my friendship with Cam again.

Nothing happened. Of course nothing happened. Nothing ever happens. We stand there screaming at each other, and I cry and cry and ask, "What happens now?", and we admit that everything is wrong and we're both so so unhappy, and then it starts pouring and I just want to stand there and figure this out, for once, but he looks miserable so I tell him to go inside. I walk home slowly, enjoying the feeling of the cold rain, wishing so hard for him to come running after me but knowing that he won't.

And then it's Cam running after me.

I'm confused, because I know Cam and I are just friends. We understand each other. We're both in relationships that we may never be able to let go of. He treats me well because he knows I feel underappreciated. But I'll never be able to feel good about it because I like it too much and it feels too much like cheating. Most of the time I can ignore it but sometimes the guilt overwhelms me and I just want to curl into a ball and hate myself. I value trust above all else in a relationship and I'm turning into the thing I hate. I'm indulging in my worst habit- making boys like me and using their compliments to validate my own shitty self esteem. I hate it, but I won't stop. I told him that. I told him one of my biggest secrets and he just said that he doesn't care, because he likes making people feel good above. Maybe we're a good team. The girl who feeds on compliments and the boy who feeds on giving them.

But I can't let Jacob go. Breaking up would hurt him more than I know, and I can't hurt him like that. Not when I love him like I do. He knows that. He knows that I'm holding on because I can't let go, and he knows that it's killing me. I lay awake at night wishing that he would just do it, that he would let me go, because it would be the sweetest thing he could do for me, and I would know that it means he loves me.

It won't happen, so back into this cycle of hurt.

Thanks again

Thanks again for last night. You were literally my sanity, though I didn't have very much. I know I shouldn't have been so overwhelmed; it wasn't that big of a deal. Just something about everything put me on the verge of breakdown all night, which I tried so hard to push aside since I was in the middle of the street with two complete strangers. One of which refused to move from her spot on the fork in the road, even after my pleadings to go find warmth, and the other who kept asking us about our personal feelings about everything.

I was upset about missing banquet (especially the rest of the fourth year speeches and the final video and seeing your video when you came up for best musician) for something that might not even come to anything. I was upset that I was wandering the street looking for any sort of clue in a skimpy dress, trying to keep feeling in my limbs. And when we finally hiked from Alderman library to the observatory, I was upset people were howling at me. I don't like being scared when I'm in a good mood, and it took all of my control not to scream at them to shut up. Being mildly reprimanded for being late by the main people didn't help either.

I'm still so dismayed by it all. Dismayed that I was reduced to locking myself in my room and crying and crying. Dismayed that my boyfriend told me that I shouldn't come over when I needed him. Dismayed that I have to go back tonight.
 

Yeah, Ohio is really really good. I don't know if it's the calm before the storm, or the calm has just returned again, but I'm happy. Today we're going to a farm-park thing, because people in Ohio like going to farms for fun. I might get to milk a cow!

I hope bus driving is going swell!

POTTERMORE

I AM SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO EXCITED FOR POTTERMORE AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT MEEEEEANS. Also, I was drinking mountain dew when I found out and the results are proving to be disastrous.

I saw the link on mugglenet earlier today that Rowling was once again giving us puzzles to figure out a giant secret. She did a similar thing before releasing the title of Deathly Hallows, so obviously this news had to be big. I spent an hour going back and forth between different HP fan sites finding coordinates and plugging them into google earth, finding clues, and eventually solving the puzzle- Pottermore.

And now I can't really tell what time period I'm in. I feel exactly like high school Emily. I'm stalking her website, I'm listening to Harry and the Potters, I'm rereading all the books in a month, I'm waiting for the last installation, and I feel like crying because I didn't know it was possible to love something this much. :(

I also feel like doing an inventory of the collection I've accumulated over the years.

7 Harry Potter 1st editions
1 Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix British edition
1 Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Italian edition
13 books about Harry Potter
4 Harry Potter related items made in ceramics
1 Sorting Hat
1 large, motion activated action figure
40 Posters on the Harry Potter wall
20 Harry Potter posters
3 pairs of shoes dedicated to Harry Potter
About 7 HP journals that I've been writing in since I was 8
2 house scarves
1 Ravenclaw sweater and tie
10 Wizard Rock CDs
1 Wizard Rock documentary

I give up now. POINT IS I EFFING LOVE HARRY POTTER AND I AM GEEKING OUT.

Day 4

Today is fine on the mouth front. I only woke up once during the night, and I haven't found it necessary to take a percoset every few hours. I haven't had one since this morning! The swelling is pretty much gone, and chewing was much easier today. Sadly, I'm just in a bad mood. I'm looking forward to Jacob getting here early next week and heading up to Ohio for a much deserved vacation!

Day 3

Today I left the house AND chewed something!! Progress!!


I woke up in quite a bit of pain, but that was the worst today. I'm trying to wean myself off the percoset, though I haven't done too great of a job. As soon as there's a little bit of pain, I want out. The swelling got pretty bad, and the first signs of bruising appeared, but an hour with a heating pad seemed to curb the swelling a bit. Dad got me egg drop soup and lo mein for dinner, so I got to spend an hour chewing noodles with my front teeth, but it was wonderful.


Hopefully I'll be feeling like myself again soon!